Sad Clown
by Hawkelf
Summary: A Nightcrawler POV, before he joins the X-men. During a circus performance, Kurt questions why he looks the way he does, and the opinions of others. Later he finds out why.


Disclaimer: I do not own the song, Jars of Clay does. Nor do I own the X- men. I'm not too sure who does.  
  
A/N: I am absolutely horrible at writing German accents, and in order to avoid completely butchering Kurt's. I'm sorry about that, but I'm willing to change it- again- if anyone can help me on that.  
Also, this story is AU, mainly because the audience knows that Nightcrawler's appearance isn't a costume. Oh, and the song lyrics are at the beginning, whereas they were originally interspersed throughout the song.  
My two OCs do have a back-story which explains a few things, but I will not be getting into that, unless I actually continue either this story, or the one about them. Both of which are possibilities, but I make no guarantees whatsoever. I tend to just follow my muse.  
As always, I'm open to reviews in any way, shape, or form. However, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. I've reworked this since a year ago when it was originally posted, and don't mind doing so again if anyone has a suggestion.  
Thank you, and on to the story!  
  
_Say how's the weather, so I look out the window  
To brighten my soul, but I can't control the rain  
That keeps falling_  
  
_Smile on the outside that never comes in  
A comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy  
So I scream "let the show begin"_  
  
_You break me open, turn on the light  
Stumble inside with me with me_  
  
_Do I entertain you  
Do I preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie  
Are you mesmerized_  
  
_Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown  
I picked out this shirt, I put on this hat  
I wore all this paint just for you_  
(Sad Clown, Jars of Clay)

"Good night for a show," commented one of the performers, "Big crowd."  
  
Kurt sighed, "Yeah, it'll be great for the new act's debut." The clown walked away, not noticing Kurt's lack of enthusiasm.  
  
He was nervous- this wouldn't be the first time that he would be in the center of the ring, but still... He wasn't too sure he liked the way people looked at him. Being in the circus was great, until they realized that his appearance wasn't just a costume.  
  
Amanda called to him, "Hey, Nightcrawler."  
  
"Yes?" he answered.  
  
"We're up next. You nervous?"  
  
"Yes," he admitted.  
  
She smiled, "Well, don't be, they'll love you."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"I'm sure of it, hey, is that Alex? Alex, wait up!" she left him then, running toward another person in their act.  
  
Maybe this won't be so bad after all, Kurt thought. Taking a deep breath he whispered to himself, "I am the Magnificent Nightcrawler. Kurt is outside, deal with him after the show."  
  
And with that, he walked into the ring smiling as the ringleader announced, "Aaand now- I give you the Magnificent Nightcrawler." The spotlight suddenly flickered onto Kurt, revealing what he looked like. Somewhere in the audience a child screamed. Keep smiling, Kurt thought desperately to himself, the young one is probably just afraid of the dark.  
  
As he began his trapeze act, he heard a kid yell, "Hey, look at that freak!" He did not let his rhythm falter.  
  
Then he heard a little girl ask her mother, "Mommy, I'm scared, is the monster going to eat me?"  
  
He would have been able to discount this as a little child's foolishness, had he not heard her father say, "No honey, it wouldn't dare, we won't let it near you."  
  
Still, Kurt continued, trying to focus on the routine. My God! He cried silently. Why am I like this? Why am I a monster? Why did you make me like this? He pleaded. For the first time in his life, Kurt questioned why his beloved God had made him this way. Was he truly a monster?

Tears rolling down his cheeks; Nightcrawler caught Amanda mid air. She gave him a questioning, worried look before she was once more sent flying. When he caught her again, she sent Kurt a reassuring little smile, reminding him that not everyone found him repulsive.  
  
This made him feel better till he heard a man jeer, "How can she stand to touch him?" sending him into yet another downward spiral of emotion.  
  
Now it was time for the end of his act, the newest part. Closing his eyes, Kurt Wagner let go of the bar he was swinging on, and disappeared. An instant later, when he reappeared above the audience, he heard them gasp. As he fell downward, he did a few flips in the air. Then, a mere foot above the crowd, disappeared again. When he reappeared, he was once again on the trapeze. His timing had been perfect. He caught the bar. He felt a rush of elation and pure adrenaline as he heard the spectators gasp in appreciation of this amazing feet.  
  
Again, this emotional high did not last long as he heard a woman say to her friend, "I wonder how they trained it to do that?" This time it just made him mad. Kurt was just as intelligent as this woman, possibly more. Why did she find this hard to believe?  
  
Finally his act was finished. Once more, Kurt Wagner, the Magnificent Nightcrawler, vanished midair. Once more, the crowd gasped in astonishment. This time, however, he reappeared outside the tent. Knowing that he wouldn't be needed for the rest of the night, Kurt went to the nearest church to pray.  
  
A few hours later, knowing the show had probably long finished, and the crowds had long gone, Kurt rose to leave. As he stepped out of the church however, a girl and boy ran up to him. "Wait! Don't go." They pleaded, gasping for breath. The girl's hair was chopped short and she wore baggy clothes and sunglasses, an unusual thing to do at this time of night. More surprising, however, was the boy, whose hair was down to his chin. He also wore sunglasses, as well as a large hat, coat, and pants.  
  
"What do you want?" he asked them.  
  
"Please, a girl named Amanda told us we'd find you here. We just wanted to thank you," said the girl.  
  
By this Kurt was confused, Thank him? For what? "Who are you? Why would you wish to thank me?"  
  
Quickly the girl ducked her head and brought it up again, "My name is Cathleen, and this is my brother Jon. We're mutants, like you." The last part was whispered in a shaky voice, like she was afraid to say it.  
  
For the first time the boy, Jon, looked up and spoke, "You helped us not be afraid. We're not going to hide anymore. You gave us that courage." Kurt squinted at Jon's face, it was a brownish grey, and it was furry, much like his own blue skin.  
  
"I am flattered, but what do you do?" he asked them.  
  
Exchanging a glance, the two of them grinned. In answer to his question, they wordlessly took off their sunglasses, revealing two pairs of golden eyes. Jon also removed his hat and coat, while Cathleen slipped her feet out of her shoes. Then, as Jon took his own shoes off, she put her hands together, took a deep breath, and spread them in an upward and outward gesture, as if spreading wings, at the same time she let loose an eerie cry.  
  
Nightcrawler blinked. When he opened his eyes, he found a hawk where there had once been a girl. Squatting beside the bird, Jon raised his head and howled. This time, Kurt saw the transformation. When it was done a wolf stood in the boys place.  
  
Kurt blinked again, and they stood before him, once more human. Taking a small bag out of Jon's coat pocket Cathleen started calmly putting their things in it. When she had finished she and Jon both turned to an astonished Nightcrawler.  
  
"Thank you," the girl whispered, "we're done hiding." The boy nodded his agreement, "We're going home and telling our parents. If they don't accept us, we're going to New York." Cathleen reached into her jeans pocket, pulled out a card, and gave it to a grateful blue elf, "We heard there's a school there for kids like us. Even if our parents do take this better than we think, which isn't likely, we're going there. Come visit us. Call us sometime. This is our cell number. We're in your debt, if you ever need help, let us know. Thank you." With that last whispered farewell, she pushed her hair behind her own pointy ears, and turned into a hawk.  
  
Jon smiled at Kurt's astonishment, "she means it, ever need anything, just give us a call. Even if it's just a talk with a fellow elvish mutie," grinning wickedly, he turned into a wolf and grabbed the bag loosely in his jaws.

Cathleen took off, and as the two teens went home, Kurt finally understood. Thank you, he prayed silently, for making me this way.


End file.
